| A golfer whose car broke down flagged down a
passing bus and got aboard.
He sat down on the bus next to a little old lady.
His pockets were full of golf balls. The little old lady kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her he said, "It's golf balls."
The little old lady continued to look at him
thoughtfully and finally said, "Does it hurt as much as tennis
elbow? |
|
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt." A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life. "Nice to meet you," says the golfer.
"My name's... Father O'Malley!" |
| A Catholic Priest and a Nun were out having
a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said, "Shit, I missed." Sister Marie told him to watch his language. At the next swing he missed again. "Shit, I missed." "Father, I am not going to play with you if you keep swearing." The priest promises to do better. At the next tee he misses again, usual reply, "Shit, I missed." Sister Marie is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that." At the next tee, the priest misses, swears, "Shit, I missed." Out of the sky comes a gigantic bolt of lighting, which strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks. Then the skies open up and a big booming voice says, "Shit, I missed." |
| > Ed finally decides to take a vacation.
He books himself on a Caribbean > cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life --until the boat sank. He > found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no > supplies...nothing... only bananas and coconuts. > After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most > gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, > "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" > "I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when > my cruise ship sank." > "Amazing,' he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with > you." > "Oh, this?' replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material I > found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove > the bottom from palm branches. And the sides and stern came from a > Eucalyptus tree." > "But, but, that's impossible,' stutters Ed. "You had no tools or hardware. > How did you manage?" > "Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the > island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found > if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into > forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make > the hardware." Ed is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. > After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed > looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone > walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the > woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only > stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, > "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please. Would you like to > have a drink?" > "No, no, thank you.' he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut > juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "How about a Pina > Colada?" > Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on > her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman > announces, > "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take > a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the > bathroom." > No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the > cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow > ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "Wow! > This woman is amazing!" he muses, "What next?" > When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines-strategically > positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit > down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to > him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. > There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something > you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stares into his > eyes. > He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean---", he swallows excitedly, > "I can check my email?!" |
A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf, enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake." The caddy looks back at him and says, "I
don't think you could keep your head down that long." |
Jesus and Moses are playing golf. On the 5th hole, a shot over water to an island green, Moses hits his 6-iron and it lands perfectly on the green. Jesus takes out his 7-iron and begins tee-ing it up. Moses says: "The 7 isn't enough club. It'll go in the water" Jesus replies: "If Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it." He swings the 7-iron and sure enough, straight in the drink. He tees up a second ball and grabs his 7-iron again. Again Moses reminds him of his previous attempt and Jesus says, "If Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it." "PLOP" in the water, it goes again. He continues this until he has hit all his golf balls into the water. At this point, he begins walking out on the water looking down to locate his lost golf balls. The foursome behind them approaches the tee, spots Jesus out on the lake and says to Moses, "Hey, who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?" Moses replies, "No, Tiger Woods." |
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain." "Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" She told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnnoo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin. After a few moments she asked, "does that
feel better?" The man looked up at her and replied, "yes,
that feels pretty good ... but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
|
| A golfer and his buddies where playing a big
round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten
foot putt to win the round, and the $200.
As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt. One of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly loosing your concentration, to pay your respects." "Well, we were married for 25 years!" |
| A woman is learning how to golf. She has been
teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really
bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.
When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman, "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip." When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, "Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's "club". When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing." She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards. The golf pro says to the woman, "That
is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on
to your next problem... |
Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton! Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!" "What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine. "Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out
of here with an eight iron!" |
| A bus carrying only ugly golfers crashes into
an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his a rear off. Finally, God reaches this guy and says" why are you laughing Jack". Jack calms down and says:" Make 'em all ugly again" |
| A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging
about the size of their families. "I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic. "That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!" "You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon. ''I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!" |
| Four men went golfing one day.
Once on the course, three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a homebuilder and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free." The second man said,My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi- line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, with all the extras." The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged,"My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio." The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and dances in a gay bar." The three friends looked down at the grass and sniggered. The fourth man carried on, "Admittedly I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing pretty good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio." |
